Thursday, July 29, 2010

To go or not to go? Yet again I question my actions!

Dates for the party have been released for the weekend of 10th-12th September. This was my reward for my hard work over the 12 weeks but now it is seriously looking like I wont get there now. The thing is that this is something purely for me and that seems selfish considering we as a family havent been away on a holiday together since hmmm I dont remember when. We did manage a couple of days in Sydney last year, but that cost us a fair bit & although we had fun, we spent the nest month or two reorganising & paying out bills we had put off to go.

At the moment we are in a position where yes all the bills are paid, but they don't just stop coming in. There will always be a phone bill, electricity bill, car payment there no matter what & i would prefer them to be paid then to put them off all for a few days of joy.

I have been looking forward to this trip now since I signed up to the 12WBT program. I became even more excited when I sat there the night of the round 1 party on twitter whilst Cyndi kept us updated with all the fun. The night sounded amazing! Not to mention meeting Michelle Bridges who is just the biggest inspiration for any person trying to lose weight. I would finally have that pic with Mish that I see the round 1 peeps talking about. Everything was perfect until I actually thought about what it would take to get there. The cost :( I thought of staying with friends up in Sydney but then since I don't drive would mean relying on public transport & hey, people are scary when you are travelling alone. Especially in Sydney!

I have thought about staying in cheapo accommodation & even catching the train up to make cost cheaper but it still doesn't stop me thinking that even doing that why am I getting time away to have fun? I am a mum to 4 children who are lost when I'm not there since I do so much for them & a wife to an amazing hubby who works so hard to make sure that I am happy. When it comes to family, I am the luckiest person in the world. They are all just amazing. So for me to go away, means that if hubby comes, we would need a babysitter to which whilst we were gone we would worry that the kids were OK anyhow which doesn't make for a good weekend. Then there is if hubby stays home with kids & I go alone to make costs cheaper, that I wouldn't have much fun since hubby & I are 2 parts of the whole. We don't operate well without the other so to speak.

We have never had alot of money since I chose to be a full time stay at home mum. Hubby has worked his butt off though to make sure that we have a roof over our head & food on the table. We do it tough as in we cant afford the luxuries in life but we do have everything we need to get by. That is what brings me to this decision. Every year at tax time we get that little bit extra. Last year we went a bit silly, went to the footy in Sydney a couple of times, took the eldest kids up to see around Darling harbour as they had never been before but then there was the harsh reality of the pile of bills that didn't get paid to enjoy that time. We ended up getting out of the rut but it wasn't easy. It meant that hubby went to Sydney with work for 8 weeks to pull us out of the hole we had dug ourselves & all for what? A couple of fun weekends in Sydney.

I don't want to put us in that same position again. We have a little bit of money in the bank that normally I would be like OMG SHOPPING! I find myself thought thinking that it would be waste of money too! Our TV keep just turning off & wont turn back on without unplugging it but hey, it still kinda works. I promised myself a new Adidas trackie as well as new shoes from athletes foot BUT & here is the clincher.....why waste the money when I have cheap clothes to wear to gym & I also have shoes to go on my feet? Funny thing is, if this was for the would have been booked & paid for weeks ago along with a new suitcase full of clothes to take. When it comes to things for myself it doesn't seem as important. Heck the only reason I signed up with 12WBT was because I hit a very dark scary place in my life & hubby told me to do this as its something only I can do. I had to justify the cost! Do you believe that!!! In the end I took up the weekly payment plan which I have even struggled to have the $20 a week available some weeks yet here I am trying to plan a trip to Sydney which is looking like costing me well over $500 & that is just accommodation & flights. To top it off that is just for me. Not the family (heck would be loads more if I took the family).

This is something that I do want as I would love nothing more than to meet Michelle & Amelia as well as the amazing new family I have with all the 12WBT'ers, but I also have to remember that sometimes life doesn't go how we want it to. I myself am not worth putting before my family & having that small breathing space of money in the bank.

To be honest, as much as I would love to go & in my head I know I deserve it, my heart says that family has to always come first. 12WBT program has literally saved my life. Not just by helping me lose weight, but by helping pull me out of a dark hole that I didn't think I would ever get out of. I know one big thing that I still have to learn in life & that is to put myself first sometimes, but those with kids & a hubby know that one is tough even with all the money in the world. I know that I will always put family first but perhaps I need to reward me as well for what I do on a daily basis?

Tonight is a prime example of putting others first, hubby is at work, my eldest daughter knows I have gym this evening yet she has planned to go shopping. That means no gym for me tonight as I cant leave Tilly here with her 11year old brother. At least my girls will have some fun anyhow as long as they still go of course. I best be planning a smashing workout since gym days are always tough ones but the PT gives us a good workout! Might dust off the cross trainer & see how that goes! Hopefully things will become clearer in a few days and I will be able to make a choice for the best for everyone then! If I don't go, I guess that night will be spent with those on twitter who couldn't make it either. Besides there are things that I still don't like about myself that I dont know if I want others to see. The weight my be going but there is other stuff about my appearance that I am horribly embarrassed about and wouldn't want to be judged, laughed or spoken about. Its not something that I want to put up in my public blog just yet either. Lets just say though it would be noticed immediately & I am not one for smiling when out & about so I guess that is another reason to hide at home too. Its taken me all my courage to go to gym with other people because of that too.

ETA - I hope this makes sense as it was kind of written whilst I had a bazillion thoughts going around in my head!


  1. Cath - I really hope you go and I really hope it is fun. I wish I lived in Sydney so I could offer you our spare room, BUT I'm thinking Melbourne to Sydney is a bit pointless :).
    I have just registered my interest for round 3 so if you do that round to and we get a dinner we can share a room in sydney.

  2. Cath-it sounds like a good idea to thik about the decision for a bit more time. I agree that it's not worth putting yourself in debt or financial stress, so you would need to really work out if your family can afford the cost. That said, you should reward yourself somehow, even if you don't get to Sydney. I couldn't go to last round's party, and I got my hair done, and had a massage as a nice reward/pamper. Normally I just get a cut for my hair but I got the full works for a treat. It's good for our families to know that Mum sometimes has to come first-it's hard though I know. If you keep making sure you get time for the gym, etc then eventually the family will take it as "that's what happens". It's good that they know that Mum will always be there when they need her, but also good that she is just as important as them & what she needs is also important. It's definitely a juggling act. I am lucky I can go this round but if the dates had been different, I wouldn't have been able to go-daughter's sporting commitment. Maybe you should really give some thought to some other reward for yourself, if you don't think the party is going to work for you & your circumstances. You need to reward your hard work somehow!!