"With every breakdown, is a breakthrough"
So wow where do I start. Well I guess my proudest moment was the fact that I didn't actually even want to turn to food. Family had pizza followed by sticky date pudding and ice cream.....me.....well I am thankful for my preparation of precooked meals. I decided to have a piece of Jens lasagne that I had cooked and frozen on the weekend. Even hubby had the same!
So my meltdown.......
It all started when there was a slight disagreement at home and it just snowballed from there. I literally ended up writing a full page of hate on myself.....this page consisted or words such as hopeless, fat, stupid, pathetic, fraud, horrible and im sure you get the picture. I tried to follow the advice of a good friend who suggested that I stand in front of the mirror and ask what I liked about myself and not leave there till I found something......but nope, I had hit rock bottom. I didn't want to find anything nice to say about me.....stupid thing is 2 days ago I could have written several pages but the last 24 hours.....the words of strength just haven't come. I am even behind in my distance uni studies and we are only in week two so that isnt helping the situation either.
Its been tough.. I have even shyed away from my facebook 12WBT friends which I should never do since they are my rock. They are my strength. They are the ones who are the light when all seems dark. Instead of turning to them, I have walked away in hope that they don't have to put up with my dark mood.
Last night I decided ahead of time that I would not do my usual #crackofarse session but alas the body didn't listen and was still awake at 6am. I thought I would get up and go for a run....even in the rain. That wasn't to be either when my joggers decided to finally give up on me. Well that was it and again the tears flowed. I mean not even my joggers were there for support anymore.
I have struggled to get through the day with little more than perhaps a smirk here and there but I have managed to get some thoughts in the right place after an amazing chat with Bec who has been a wonderful friend since I met her in round 2 last year. She started to say things that got me thinking about where I am and who I am as a person. Ideas that I hadn't even thought of and slowly but surely little pieces of the puzzle had clicked into place.
I was becoming a person that I THOUGHT everyone else wanted me to be and I was putting unnecessary pressure to get there. I had started the whole mindset that I was the inspiring one and I have to do things to inspire people when in actual fact I don't but it wasn't till today that I realised this. It also was a further realisation that I do have to find my own internal reasons and factors that I had before. The ones that set me on the forward motion to JFDI and not matter what people thought. I have put myself in a place that I am feeling so down that even the nicest of gestures or compliments I am looking too far into.
Just 2 days ago I was offered something from a fellow 12WBTer who I admire. I looked too much into it after a follow up post from another and went off half cocked about not wanting to be a charity case when this was not it at all. She was mearly trying to be honestly kind. There was nothing in it and she wanted nothing in return. This could also be the mindset that I have about accepting anything since unless I buy it myself, I am always the one to give. I never receive anything that I don't know about. Heck, since I didn't buy myself a bday present there wasn't even anything here on that morning for me. It will be the same at Christmas time. But I usually don't mind. I have become accustomed to giving rather than receiving. the downside to that is when I do receive, I don't know how to take it nor do I know how to accept it.
A further thought was "But people rarely say positive things they don't mean. So I now accept it & thank them politely even when I struggle to hear it" This is a major thing I do need to remember! This is going to be a hard one to swallow but I better get use to the positivety.
The last 24 hours have been a massive breakdown for me. I have hit rock bottom. For me now though as they say.....the only way is up. So here is to the breakthrough that will come and will help me smash up the final 3 weeks of 12WBT. Look out everyone.....
CATH IS ON A MISSION!!
First things first though, time to put up with the pain for a little while as I need to don my old joggers that have long been retired. I will do that if it means I can get my workout done. It will quite possibly feel nicer walking bare feet but oh well. They say no pain no gain though dont they.
I am on a mission to continue to lose weight, to accept praise without question and when an offer for help goes out I will say thank you. Within reason of course. This is just another path that the new me is taking on. It is a new path of acceptance. It will be tough but I have support to ensure I get to my goal. Goals in which need to change now.
My one thing I am proud of over these last 24 or so hours is the fact that eating junk hasn't even crossed my mind....ok maybe it did but my little will power muscle has been doing some flexing. Even my little inner voice has been a lot nicer today. It was great in talking me out of walking to the shops in the rain at 7.30 last night for chocolate so something is clicking in place.
Hugs to all who have been wonderful support during this time. Its tough when you hit rock bottom but its the friends that are there to pick you up and help you back to the top that mean so much. They can be the difference between making and breaking a situation.
I have attached a piccy that came up on my wall from Lorna Jane. It was like perfect timing it also clicks in with the second picture.
A very popular quote from Harry Potter that we should all remember sometimes.
Mwah to you all!
Cath xoox
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