Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Alright whats the go here? Where has my positivity gone?

Had a bit of a breakdown today when thinking about all that I hadnt achieved over the last 12 weeks. Have been listening to so many talk about doing City to surf or some other fun run or even a 7hr boot camp. It got me thinking


Answer to that is nothing. I did absolutly nothing that made me stand out in the crowd. I did plenty that I am proud of myself such as being able to run my whole 1km, doing my own triathalon, getting on the cross trainer & pushing out 14km to match up with the city to surf peeps BUT it was nothing it contrast to what many other 12WBT participants did.

Why am I questioning my achievements? I should be happy with how far I have come right? Well why am I so down about not achieving higher? I missed our local fun run which is a 9km run from Lake to Lagoon as it was held on Sunday & I was travelling home from Sydney. It was a tough choice for me to make to give up as it is something my whole gym class entered.....every one of them but not me.

It is easy for people to say, just enter these runs etc next year but it all takes money! Money that we dont currently have. I could do my own run of course, but where is the fun in doing it on my own. No sense of fun nor achievement. Just boredom & no support to finish.

So that brings me to now. I have to be happy with where I am now. I have to be happy that I am being the best I can be. I have to be happy that I may only have 5-6kg to lose & there is no prizes to be gained from this program other than self satisfaction. I am thinking that I should have not wasted money on doing round 3 since I will admit I am a competitive person & knowing that I am always at the low end of the scale should make me happy but in the same token I feel so disappointed when my losses are so tiny. I am feeling that I am just wasting the time of Michelle, of Amelia, of the 12WBT team/family. I has such a wonderful weekend yet now I seem to have hit rock bottom & feeling lower than ever. I am not worthy of the praise & compliments that I have gotten since I have done nothing to deserve them.

So why am I feeling like this? Why cant I just get on with it, get the job done & applaud those that do have the weight to lose? I have met some pretty amazing people over the weekend & I do hope to form lifelong friendships with them but & there is always a but isnt But I can never achieve the highs that alot of these fabulous people have already achieved or will achieve. I have to be happy with me & I have to be happy for who I am. I need to be able to take a compliment & I need to believe the person who is giving me said compliment actually means it & is not just saying it to be nice.

Must find that positive Cath that has been around since Sydney. She has disappeared & has left the old Cath that is doubtful & always questioning herself. If you see her please send her back as I am currently feeling very worn down & tired. I also think once this house inspection is over on Monday, perhaps I will start to feel a bit better! I will be 34 on the 22nd & want to be the happy person that has been here since Friday! Even looking through pics of the weekend are upsetting as here I was thinking that I have 5kg to go when really its prolly alot more since my hips/thighs are just ginormous! I am still the frumpy person I was last round albeit in smaller sized clothes!

All the excitement of Round 2 is over & the reality of round 3 is setting in. I failed not just myself but I broke my promise I made to Michelle in the final 4 weeks. Even Mish was disappointed in me then & I felt that when the raw truth of me not putting in 100% was told. I am so worried that I am going to fail again even though I dont want it to happen!

Until tomorrow, eat clean & train hard!

Cath xoxo


  1. Massive hugs hun, dont feel down about what you have or havnt achieved because thats what sends us back to the downward spiral of bad habbits. just think about what you could have done better and get that excitment back.
    i think it would be harder coming back for another round to find motivation as you know what is coming so dont have as much as the unknown excitment to drive you.
    but just stick with it and im sure it will click and you will feel good and excited again.
    dont focus on what everybody else has acheived(should take my own advice really lol) everytime you think negative switch it into something positve becuse youd did do awesome even if you had slip ups or didnt do as well as you wanted, you made the choice to sign up and you did do it xxx

  2. I have those times too where I feel really down about not doing something I should have been able too!! Even on a smaller scale: last weekend I tried to do a pyramid run that Mish had posted somewhere - I should have been able to do it but ended up giving up and walking the recovery jogs. I let it ruin my day - felt dissapointed in myself for ages!! BUT - just gotta remind ourselves than tomorrow is a new day!! This is a NEW round and you have goals and things you want to achieve - so try and focus on the present/future not past failures or things you wanted to do!! (I too should take my own advice!!) JFDI (I love that saying now!!)

  3. It is so hard when there are a lot of people to compare yourself too. When looking just at your achievements you will see that you absolutely rocked a great result in Round 2. So, it wasn't as great as it could have been, but it was surely a lot better than if you had sat at home and did nothing (ummm - like me - lol)

    This round, make it count every day.

    You can do it.