Had a bit of a breakdown today when thinking about all that I hadnt achieved over the last 12 weeks. Have been listening to so many talk about doing City to surf or some other fun run or even a 7hr boot camp. It got me thinking
"WHAT DID I DO THAT MADE ME STAND OUT?"
Answer to that is nothing. I did absolutly nothing that made me stand out in the crowd. I did plenty that I am proud of myself such as being able to run my whole 1km, doing my own triathalon, getting on the cross trainer & pushing out 14km to match up with the city to surf peeps BUT it was nothing it contrast to what many other 12WBT participants did.
Why am I questioning my achievements? I should be happy with how far I have come right? Well why am I so down about not achieving higher? I missed our local fun run which is a 9km run from Lake to Lagoon as it was held on Sunday & I was travelling home from Sydney. It was a tough choice for me to make to give up as it is something my whole gym class entered.....every one of them but not me.
It is easy for people to say, just enter these runs etc next year but it all takes money! Money that we dont currently have. I could do my own run of course, but where is the fun in doing it on my own. No sense of fun nor achievement. Just boredom & no support to finish.
So that brings me to now. I have to be happy with where I am now. I have to be happy that I am being the best I can be. I have to be happy that I may only have 5-6kg to lose & there is no prizes to be gained from this program other than self satisfaction. I am thinking that I should have not wasted money on doing round 3 since I will admit I am a competitive person & knowing that I am always at the low end of the scale should make me happy but in the same token I feel so disappointed when my losses are so tiny. I am feeling that I am just wasting the time of Michelle, of Amelia, of the 12WBT team/family. I has such a wonderful weekend yet now I seem to have hit rock bottom & feeling lower than ever. I am not worthy of the praise & compliments that I have gotten since I have done nothing to deserve them.
So why am I feeling like this? Why cant I just get on with it, get the job done & applaud those that do have the weight to lose? I have met some pretty amazing people over the weekend & I do hope to form lifelong friendships with them but & there is always a but isnt there....lol. But I can never achieve the highs that alot of these fabulous people have already achieved or will achieve. I have to be happy with me & I have to be happy for who I am. I need to be able to take a compliment & I need to believe the person who is giving me said compliment actually means it & is not just saying it to be nice.
Must find that positive Cath that has been around since Sydney. She has disappeared & has left the old Cath that is doubtful & always questioning herself. If you see her please send her back as I am currently feeling very worn down & tired. I also think once this house inspection is over on Monday, perhaps I will start to feel a bit better! I will be 34 on the 22nd & want to be the happy person that has been here since Friday! Even looking through pics of the weekend are upsetting as here I was thinking that I have 5kg to go when really its prolly alot more since my hips/thighs are just ginormous! I am still the frumpy person I was last round albeit in smaller sized clothes!
All the excitement of Round 2 is over & the reality of round 3 is setting in. I failed not just myself but I broke my promise I made to Michelle in the final 4 weeks. Even Mish was disappointed in me then & I felt that when the raw truth of me not putting in 100% was told. I am so worried that I am going to fail again even though I dont want it to happen!
Until tomorrow, eat clean & train hard!