Sunday, April 15, 2012

When all seems like its a downhill run we pick ourselves back up again!

21 days since my last can tell uni is back cant you wink So hard to keep up with 5 units as well as enjoy the forums and blog about whats going on. Perhaps though if I had been blogging I would have gotten through the tough time a bit easier.

So how has everyone been? For me the last 9 weeks have been up and down, high and low. It is getting better now though and I can finally see that little light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes life throws us a curve-ball and its how we deal with it that means the most. Needless to say I think I have done pretty well. Although my weight has yo-yo'd in the middle area due to circumstances beyond my control, things are getting back to normal health wise. Mentally though is a different matter but I am dealing with that also now.

As many would know I am in need of some pretty major dental work. I have been on the wait list for public help for well over 12 months and finally my number was up just over a month ago. My first appointment lasted all of 5 minutes as they looked in my mouth and said, "we need xrays". All good I thought so went and got those done immediately as asked......when I returned, the next appointment wasn't for another 3 weeks! They ended up giving me a shorter appointment a week later......1 hour before I was due to leave for that appointment, they call and tell me the dentist is ill and they need to reschedule my appointment.....fine I thought but nope 3 more weeks to wait!! 3 WEEKS!!! WTH!!!

I was devastated.....I spoke with hubby who told me to call a private dentist. He was willing to do anything in order to see me smile again as it has been all too long and after a massive breakdown where there was lots of tears, he finally realised how much I had been holding in and dealing with. I mean it is at the point where I don't even know why my family can love me and treat me normal when I see nothing like normal when I look in the mirror. I feel like a freak and that is being honest. So back onto the story.....rang the private dentist who could get me in 2 days later. They asked me to get my xrays from the public dentist. Hubby came with me (thank god!). Anyhow, they refused to hand them over. Told me they were property of the Base Hospital. ......well you wouldn't believe what came next....the lady said "we can get you an appointment for 11am tomorrow! Holy crap where did that appointment come from?

So after all that the appointment went well till they told me that yes we need to extract all your top teeth but then you will need to go onto another list to get your dentures made up and that list is about 12 months long!!! WTF!!!12 months wait without any top teeth.....I THINK NOT!! I would rather have the stumps I have now then nothing at all! I asked them if I can get the teeth extracted publically then get the dentures made privately. I know that the major cost in NSW is getting the teeth pulled so to get that part taken out may just make the denture part affordable by us. Anyhow, after being told about different ideas with the dentures (immediates etc), the appointment was over and off to the denture clinic I went. New appointment for dental work to start is Friday 20th April at 8.10am! The denture clinic couldn't get me in until the 11th May but thats ok we have a timeline even if it is 2 months right!!

In amongst all that, the public dentist mentioned that I should go for a check up etc with my local GP to see if I qualified for an EPC? care plan voucher. That appointment was last Wednesday. She went through everything on my record but there was nothing. Funny thing was that if I was still smoking, I would have qualified immediately but I gave that up 2 years ago now. I was so upset as I just want to be able to smile. I want to not be unhappy anymore. I am just not strong enough to keep up the whole I can fix my smile but you will always be a jerk mentality I had and most of all, I wanted to meet all of you and not be worried about being judged (which I shouldn't anyhow right!). The doctor however did say something that I had never though of and we should always remember this.

She said, "you can buy new teeth and have an amazing smile Catherine but you can NEVER buy the good health that you have. You can never buy having great stats and most of all you cannot buy the love that a family has for their mum/wife. What your family sees is what counts and that is not your outside looks, its how you are on the inside." #loveit

I had never looked at things like that. I mean its true isnt it. How often do we look at our physical appearance and feel saddened or angry by it? I battle this everyday and I think I have FINALLY unlocked that last piece of the weight puzzle for me. Its always been a case of I can hide behind being chubby since people wont look twice at me. If I start to get comments on how good I am looking, I self sabotage to get back to the point where noone comments anymore. I wish I could have seen this before and not had to take so long. I really thought that last round was my I get it round but I can see now that we will always keep learning about ourselves and keep getting it more and more.

I have most probably babbled so much in this blog but it feels nice to lift the weight and share the burden. I am still the first to highly recommend this program since I may be a little slow and be still here after 6 rounds but I know that with each round I am that step closer to the new amazing Cath and I know now that she is in there waiting to get out. The time is now and with my new denture appointment now on Thursday at 3pm, I can get impressions done ready for an immediate plate to be put in once teeth have been removed. My new goal once that is done will be to get a photo with not just my huggies girls but also with Michelle showing off the most biggest massivest smile of all.

So ladies I just want you all to know that this journey is very different for each person. My journey has taken this long but yours may be shorter. I think this year Biggest Loser has also been a key to helping me as well. I learnt that I really don't love myself and without that things can be tough. I also have learnt that those close to us don't see what we do. We are our own worst judges quite possibly at the worst of times.

You are all beautiful no matter what and just think, when you are done on this weight loss journey you will be beautiful inside and out smile Michelle and the 12WBT crew are creating the new age gorgeous peeps club.

Take care all and much love!

Cath xoxo

PS I do hope this makes sense. The feelings and emotions with this are just so full on and its sometimes hard to get a million thoughts out onto paper. Its not really a weight loss post but more a personal one. xoxo

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